"Sorry, not my table…"

Like Spiderman, I have decided to use my powers for the good of all Mankind. So here is my recipe for the PERFECT Bloody Mary (do not change or substitute ingredients or you will tear a hole in the fabric of the Space-Time continuum):

You will need:

• a 16oz. cocktail shaker
• large ice cubes (yes, the ice really DOES matter)
• Ketel One Vodka (no flavors) with a metal speed-pourer installed
• Campbell’s Tomato Juice
• one lime, cut into 6 wedges (cut it in half, put a small slit across the middle, then cut each half into three wedges)
• a mixture of equal parts celery salt, freshly ground black pepper, white pepper, and cayenne pepper
• Pickapeppa Sauce (it’s from Jamaica, mon)
• Worcestershire Sauce (Lea and Perrins is the ONLY kind)
• Beaver Brand Extra Spicy Horseradish
• Crystal Hot Sauce (it says right on the bottle that it’s the PERFECT hot sauce, so don’t even think about using Tabasco you carpet-bagging-Boston-preppie bastard)
• Nettie’ Pickled Green Beans (leave the olives for the PERFECT Martini; they have no place here)
• An appropriately sized beverage glass

Procedure:

• Fill the shaker two-thirds with the ice cubes
• Add a 3-Mississippi count of the Ketel
• Add a blob of the horseradish about the size of a nickel
• Add a tablespoon’s worth each of the Pickapeppa, Crystal, and Worcestershire
• Add a pinch of the celery salt-peppers mixture
• Add 6 oz. of the tomato juice.
• Cap the shaker and, with one hand securing the top of it, shake it, baby, shake it.
• Run one of the lime wedges around the rim of the glass to moisten it slightly, then dip the rim into a saucer containing the celery salt-peppers mix to salt your rim. Don’t throw the lime away.
• Pour your wonderful, delicious beverage that is better than anything you have ever made but still not quite as good as mine into the appropriately sized beverage glass that now has the seasoned rim. Squeeze the lime wedge you used to moisten the rim into the top, stick a green bean in and go sit in the backyard and smoke (this is the only optional step).

To further your enjoyment even more, you should drink it with the PERFECT BLT with a Fried Egg On Top. But one step at a time, my young Padwan…